1.      You don’t have to drink to have fun.

2.      Never use the word "chug", once or repeatedly.

3.      Do not visit the Fighting Cocks and order a white wine spritzer.

4.      Realise that your level of alcoholic intoxication is inversely proportional to your dancing ability. You are not Michael Jackson, and everyone probably thinks you’re having an epileptic fit.

5.      Don't eat crap. Consider your standards. Ask yourself, do I usually enjoy the fine cuisine available at Pizza King? Do I usually eat "18-inch MEAT FEAST"? Or "Double Bacon Cheeseburger"? Yes, that's a pizza with BBQ sauce, cheese, beef, bacon and a "swirl of mayonnaise". Thanks Pizza King! I never thought of that. And I never want to think of it again!

6.      You have no standards when you're drunk. That's a given. But don't entertain sex ideas with idiots. Consider at least these questions: Does s/he have a little beard? Does s/he smell like gas? Is s/he wearing a red shirt and possibly not as attractive as you first thought?

7.      Do not attempt to swipe extra food from the dinner ladies until you develop extremely sophisticated skills. These ladies are expertly trained to detect all abhorrent behaviour and will destroy your ego at will.

8.      As much as a dip in the river sounds fabulously refreshing after braving the sweaty underbelly of Klute nightlife, never indulge these fantasies. The river is home to many unique species of bacteria ready to make a home of your succulent flesh. And it’s nowhere near as deep as it looks. You might die.

9.      Don’t limit your friendship to your house or corridor. Just because you and your neighbour both listed Snakes on a Plane as your all-time favourite film doesn’t necessarily mean you will become super best friends.

10.  Get involved in every possible event, club and/or society you can. You won’t regret it.